Today I went down to the Mall
I have decided on this store
I even have a list with me
I look around, thereís gifts galore

The only thing on my list is
New Mock Neck Turtle Necks XL
And then a most confusing list
Of things I hope and pray they sell

Lavender, pale yellow, light blue
Sage, aqua, taupe and a short note
Womenís not misses thatís for sure
The thing thatís really got my goat

What in the world is a mock neck
After asking twice- there they are
You guessed it- there was no XL
How I wish I was in my car

Lavender, yellow, blue I found
Now on to the spice department
To get myself some of that sage
Before my money is all spent

I saw a clerk and ask her please
Could she in my search assist me
She looked at me and said for what
I handed her my list to see

I wanted so to impress her
I told her from my high school French
I know that aqua was water
I should have stayed out on a bench

From my trip out west I knew that
Sage was a spice used to cook with
Though I readily admitted
That on taupe I must plead the fifth

She handed back my list to me
And walked away shaking her head
How rude can one clerk be I asked
Her look made me wish I were dead

With my mock necks I got in line
And wait so long theyíre out of style
Iím off to the free wrapping booth
I search in vain for quite awhile

Look in the Service Department
A clerk says with a pleasant smile
With my number I get in line
It stretches for a country mile

My number is called finally
And I say to the gift wrapper
If wrapping is done in service
At this point Iím feeling dapper

Then where is the auto service
Now I see a cold icy stare
As she says to me, what color
I freeze, color why should she care

I try to remember, light blue
Lavender, sage and aqua too
She looks into my cringing face
I know for sure Iím in a stew

Which paper do you want she asked
And points behind her to the wall
Cringing with fear I squeak three please
And grab the counter lest I fall

Ice woman looks at me again
What color of bow would you like
A red bow will be fine I say
Iíd like to tell her- take a hike

Do you want separate boxes
She asked me and I meekly nod
Do you want to write on the gifts
Sheís feeling like a bloody God

Itís probably a trick question
I think Iíll go for no this time
How can I think of something nice
That will be proper and a rhyme

Finally Iím free to go home
Iím so happy without a care
Then I have a terrible thought
My God, I left Shirley somewhere


© By Ed Glancy (





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