For some reason today the idea of Fairy Tales slid out from a dark, dank corner of my
mind, (Which has a lot of those type of corners.)
© The featured graphic is a Swampetta original.
Think about Cinderella. Nice girl whose step-mother and step-sisters treat like a
combination maid, cleaning lady, laundress, cook and general handy-woman. There is never a
mention of her daddy is there? Maybe he took off with the Milkmaid? He sure had good
reasons to split because step-momma is a really nasty old broad! Her daughters are no prize
winners either. But she decided that they are going to a ball at the Prince's Place. Word
is that it’s going to be like some reality show where he gets to pick out the one who he
will hook up with. His Momma and Daddy are getting a bit nervous about him. He would
rather be hanging out with his friends, the Dukes and Barons and doing beer bongs and games
of quarters. He gives in to the parental pressure and agrees to do a look-see at the
Step-mom and the step-sisters start by getting all gussied up. Hair, nails, bikini waxing
and all that. Off they go in the Lincoln Navigator leaving Cindy to clean out the
So, she is rolling about on the hearth and discussing her lack of a social life with some
birds and mice who hang around….(OK, she has issues but she is alone a lot and has no phone
Suddenly, some overdressed, elderly tart pops up like a spam ad! (I’m picturing a Martha
Stewart clone.) She introduces herself; “Hi Cinderella! I am your fairy godmother and I
think you need to get out more.”
Cindy agrees but says, “ I really haven’t got a THING to wear!”
No argument there…the outfit she’s wearing looks like something that F.E.M.A. handed out.
Bare feet covered with dirt complete the look.
“No sweat!” goes Martha,,,uh,,,I mean the fairly godmother. “We’ll whip you up an
outfit that’ll knock ‘em dead!”
The birds and the mice get busy and the magic wand whips around making figure ‘8’s in the
air. WHAM! BAM! An extreme makeover happens.
Cindy is now wearing a genuine Vera Wang ballgown, has her hair all highlighted and foofied
up, makeup by ShiShedo, nails by acrylic and a pair of Corning Glass Stillettos by Jimmy
Choo on her feet!
She looks in a mirror and like most very beautiful girls, cops an attitude.
“Well….I look just fine but how am I supposed to get to the Prince's Joint?
There’s no way I’m going to get in that Dodge Dart that you came in!”
She puts her hands on her hips, taps her sparkling toes and looks askance at Fairy Godmom.
Hhhmmm. The Visa card is tapped out and the magic wand is in need of re-charging. Fairy
Godmom looks around….she is tapping her finger on her chin… “I’ve got it! We’ll make
something out of the stuff you have around here.” (Did I tell you she reminds me of Martha
Stew…oh…I guess I did.)
Fairy Godmom picks up a pumpkin from the pantry and sets it out in the driveway.
looking on with her arms crossed, very “Paris Hilton in a snit”-like. The birds and mice
are standing around trying to figure out how a pumpkin is going to become a Testa-Rossa.
“You! You mice! Get over here, and line up in front of the pumpkin. Snap to it!” Fairy
Godmom snarls. She is smacking the magic wand on her palm and mumbling..
“%$#@*(&^(%$%^%$$#@! C’Mon, C’mon you piece of dog crap!”
All of a sudden, the wand sparks and the pumpkin turns into a gorgeous carriage and the mice
metamorphisize into snowy white Clydesdale horses.
Fairy Godmother quickly rips off the ‘Budweiser’ signs from the horses and helps Cinderella
into the carriage.
“O.K. Cindy, there you are. There’s one small glitch though. The whole she-bang goes poof
at midnight! Make sure you’re back by then or we’ll both be very embarrassed!”
agrees to the curfew even though she’s a little pissed by it. Most parties don’t even get
really started until at least 1A.M.! What the Hell,,,it’s a night out anyway!
Meanwhile, the Prince is getting that “Eyes Glazed Over” look as he dances with Eligible
Maiden #22. This one needs some orthodontic work and a push up bra for starters but after
having to dance with some of the ugliest and dumbest girls he’s ever clapped eyes on, this
one may make the cut.
He glances up just as Cinderella walks in,,,,,KABOOM!!!! He almost walks over his dancing
partner to get to Cindy.
Cinderella sees him coming and puts on her Jessica Simpson face. The Prince connects to her
searchlight blue eyes and almost trips on his own feet.
He bows and takes her hand, she nods a little and bats her eyelashes at him.
Away they dance, and dance, and dance, and dance…..
The Eligible Maiden #23, who also happens to be one of Cindy’s step-sisters, is barking at
the moon she’s so mad! She doesn’t recognize who this blonde bimbo is but it’s obvious to
all that the Prince is no longer available!
The Step-Momma is also baffled by this broad who is dancing all over the place with the
Prince. She sees her daughter's chances of getting the Prince go up in smoke. The Prince is
well and truly nailed by this chick who blew in like a tornado! She looks around for a Duke
or a Baron or even the drummer in the band to fix her girls up with. The night shouldn’t be
a total loss!
Well we all know how time flies when you’re having fun? The Prince has been so gob-smacked
by Cindy he hasn’t said a word. He’s busy memorizing her neck and ears and counting the
hairs in her eyebrows.
Cinderella is thinking “What a socially inept lump this one is! He hasn’t even asked me my
name. Maybe he’s a mute? He dances pretty good but the only sounds he makes are heavy
snorting.” She glances up to see if she can make it to the bar for a drink and spots the
WWWWHHHHOOOOAAA!!!! It’s almost midnight! She’s got to blow this pop stand right now! She
pulls herself out of the Princes arms and heads for the door. The damn shoes are not made
for running in, but she’s going over the speed limit anyway. The Prince realizes that he’s
dancing with himself and sees Cindy hauling ass out the door. He chases and knocks over
anyone in his way. “Wait! WAIT! HOLD IT UP!!! What’s your phone number? What’s your
NAME???? WHAT’S YOUR HURRY???”
Cindy is running down the big staircase and almost trips as her shoe comes off. She doesn’t
hesitate for a second and manages to jump into the carriage just as the Prince runs down the
stairs and trips over her shoe, “AAAYYYYYYIIIIIIEEEEE!” THUMP! He’s sitting on the steps
looking at the Corning Glass Stilletto in his hand. No name or ID on it.
Cinderella just pulls into the driveway as the last stroke of midnight rings out.
PPPOOOOOFFFF! The mice take off for the basement and the pumpkin sort of collapses on
itself. Cindy looks at the outfit she has on.
Stained sweatpants and ripped Metallica T-shirt. Back to her old life.
The next morning finds the step-sisters and step-mother at the kitchen table discussing the
events of the night before. Cinderella is listening to them and not letting on that she
knows anything. They think that the Prince is out of his mind. When the party finally
broke up around 4 in the morning, there were all sorts of rumors about who the girl was.
Several people think that she was a female impersonator and that’s why she split so fast.
No one there had any idea of who she was but the Prince has this bright idea of finding her.
He’s going to do a house-to-house search with a shoe.
Cindy hears this and almost busts out laughing. She knows there is no way her step-mother
is going to put her in the line up and even if she did, she looks like hell anyway. The
hair is all frazzled and the make-up is melted.
Even the acrylic nails fell off at midnight. Besides, she is beginning to think that the
Prince is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. He never opened his mouth until she was
out the door. She goes to put in another load of laundry. Just as she closes the lid of
the washer, she hears “Pssssttt! Over here, by the window.” It’s the Fairy Godmother and
she’s giggling, “Cindy?
Do you know that the Prince is looking for you? He said that whoever that shoe fits is
going to be his wife!” Cinderella snorts, “That’s ridiculous! I take a size 7 and so do
about half the women in the world. He’s gonna have to marry the first one that shoe fits
and she is going to be someone other than me.” The Fairy Godmother smiles and shakes her
head, “NO, that’s not going to happen. I did those shoes with the magic wand and they won’t
fit on anyone elses’ foot but yours. The Prince is just up the road and he’ll be here in a
minute so let’s get you spruced up a bit.” She pulls the magic wand out of her pocket where
it’s tangled up in her cell phone headset.
Cinderella looks at the magic wand and starts asking the Fairy Godmother some questions
about it. As they talk, Cinderella feels her hair being highlighted and curled and the
make-up brushes fluff over her face.
Her outfit turns into a pink velvet jogging suit trimmed with rhinestones.
They hear someone coming through the hallway upstairs. “OK Cindy! Go and make your
appearance and let him try the shoe on you. Let’s see where this is going to go.”
Cindy trots up the steps and opens the kitchen door to see the Prince kneeling in front of
her step-sisters. He has just taken the shoe off her foot and looks kind of disappointed
but a little relieved. He looks up and sees Cindy standing there with a basket of ironing.
“YOU! I think I know you!”
Step-Mother chimes in, “No, she isn’t someone that goes to any dances. She’s more like the
live-in help. No one you would know. Now let me try a little Vaseline on the foot and
maybe Peacherina can get it on.” She sends a look to Cinderella that could light bonfires.
“You can go and change out of that rig, and stop taking your sisters clothes!”
The Prince knocks the step-sis off the chair, “You will sit here and we will try the shoe
on. I think it is going to fit perfectly. I memorized the number of hairs in your eyebrows
last night and I know it is YOU!”
Cindy sits down and sticks out her foot, “Okey Dokey Prince, have a go!”
Naturally, the shoe fits. The Prince grabs her hand and says, “You are the woman of my
dreams and I want to marry you, and take you away from this miserable life. I’ll make you
the Princess and give you your own credit card and I’ll make sure you have everything you
will ever need! “
Cindy looks at him a minute and then shakes her head slowly. “I know that you mean well and
all that, and I’m like,,, really flattered….but I am starting up my own company with my
Fairy Godmother. I am not ready to tie myself down with a husband right now. You might
want to invest in my company though. It’s going to be a real smash!”
She’s helping the Prince stand up and walking him out to the driveway where the Fairy
Godmother is sitting in the Dodge Dart. “So, Princey…what do you know about getting a
patent on a magic wand? You have lawyers around up at the castle don’t you? Maybe we can
let you in on the bottom floor of this….You might want to talk to some of your friends about
investing…..” She takes the Corning Glass Stilletto out of his hand and flips it over her
shoulder. Her step-mother catches it and uses it as an ashtray from that day forward.
Cindy and the Prince remain close friends and the company goes like crazy!
She’s earning a million dollars a minute and she splits with the Fairy Godmother who is
quite content to sit on the board of directors. Cindy marries one of the lawyers she meets
and they are happy as clams.
They invite the Prince to the weekly bar-be-ques and he meets some really great looking
girls, but he never marries. The girls tend to back off when they find out about his foot
© By Swampetta (SWAMPETTA@aol.com)