For many years now women have been squealing about seeking equality with men. Good Lord,…Why? We can dumb down a bit if we have to, (we always have.) What the hell do we think awaits us in a balanced Yin and Yang world?
Pregnancy. He does 4 and a half months and we do 4 and a half. We get to pick the first or the last half. Goody! We either get to puke or watch him puke. Picture him trying to squeeze his swollen ankles into his calf length support socks while crying about his lack of sleep because the baby was kicking all night. We would offer our sympathy while thinking “BIG WHOOP!” At least he got three meals a day when all you got in your half was unsalted crackers.
Labor. Oh Puleeeze! The first contraction would have him calling up his union rep while he hollers; “This is not in my job description!” He would demand general anesthesia for his half of the pregnancy and up to the first day of Kindergarten. Thereby avoiding post-partum depression. I think we better keep this one for us gals.
Home Economics. This is an area that seems to throw men into high gear. We are all aware that women don’t go into the supermarket armed with the adrenaline of a day trader. They may carry a list of essential purchases; Milk, bread, butter and coffee, and maybe shampoo. It can take a long time to read the sell-by date on every milk carton, but he will. We have a natural talent to buy fresh milk. If the container isn’t bulging, it’s fresh enough!
Bread comes in many forms. He will inspect all types and compare prices.
We might buy a bag of day old pita because it’s ½ off. We were looking for a loaf of store brand bread but this was cheaper and it has all natural ingredients and NO preservatives! PLUS, if you buy it in bulk you won’t run out as quickly. (Two days later it is all bright green and you know there were truly NO preservatives.)
Now we think butter is a no brainer. Really only two choices, salted or sweet. If you want to press the buttons there’s whipped, quarters or brick.
Ba Da Boom, Ba Da Bing!
There are all these other things in the butter case that we women don’t buy because we know it’s NOT butter! He will graze through all the containers marked; “You wish it was butter!”, “Could be butter,,”, “Almost tastes like butter.” “Better than butter”, etc, etc, And then he will buy the brand of margarine that he vaguely remembers the commercial for when he saw it in the middle of a basketball game.
It will probably be delicious on those green mold pitas.
Here comes a big one! CEREAL! You have always bought Wheaties. He always eats Wheaties. Once you bought Cheerios and he ate some and said it “Tasted ‘funny” You never ventured out into the wide world of cereal again.
Now the Hunter-Gatherer is turning into the cereal aisle,,,watch closely.
His eyes flicker quickly from box to box. His mouth opens and he sniffs the air…Snarf, snarf. He spots a box with a picture of a football on it…?
YEAH! He LIKES Football! His hand reaches out for it and he spots a box with a picture of a cowboy on it. WOW! If he eats this he will probably be able to lead a cattle drive and be like the Marlboro man without the cigarette.
OOOOOHHHHHH,,,,what’s that? A box full of tiny different colored racing cars, He always wanted a Corvette. Somewhere along the line it stopped being breakfast and became wish fulfillment. On the bright side will he eat that box of corn flavored, mini-Chevrolets? Of course he will! He’s not going to admit that they taste like Styrofoam. He picked them so they must be delicious.
Laundry. If a man has been in the service or lived without his Mom picking up and delivering the laundry he knows the Tide fairies don’t twinkle through the door and leave all those pig swilled garments from the floor all shiny and sweet smelling and ironed and folded up. Find a man who knows how to do his own laundry and he is worth is weight in detergent. You may have picked the other kind. He is the one who might be able to figure out the difference between the dishwasher and the clothes washer. Even though they may share some things in common like; You put in the dirty and add soap and water and turn it on.
I can hear you thinking; “Oh no! They would never get that confused.” There is always that one perfect example who figures out he could put his underwear in with the spaghetti dishes to even out the load. (Yes Ladies, this does happen.) One of the biggest reasons that the clothes washer is kept a distance away from the dish washer is the guy who looks in the washer and sees the suds swishing and then notices the dishes stacked up in the sink. The light bulb over his head goes on. I can’t swear that this only happens once….
House cleaning. They have a system for that. They wait for the woman who wants to impress him with her house WIFELY skills. This is one of the most perverse females in existence! He invites her to his place for a cup of tea or something. The minute he opens the door he starts apologizing. It appears to be a habitat for very large, untrained animals. He explains the appearance of this sty by saying things like; “I just have no idea of what to do. My EX- (girlfriend, wife, roommate) was a slob and I don’t know where to start. Just move the pizza boxes and beer cans against the wall and sit down.
Make yourself at home. I think the chair is under there.” At some point he is likely to ask if she minds if he rests his eyes because he wants to be in good shape for when they go out later. He tells her how relaxing her presence is and he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep since his EX- (whatever) left him with this horrible mess. She feels flattered and even rubs his back until he falls into a deep sleep.
This is when she is at her most dangerous, The Beast From The Lowest Level of Hell starts to ‘neaten up a little’ Mr. Coma is snoring lightly and she takes off her shoes, rolls up her sleeves and starts the Lysol flowing like a Tsunami. He sleeps through all this! Well, he’s not really asleep but he knows if he wakes up too soon the job won’t be finished. He wakes up just in time to find her ironing his underwear. He will wander around exclaiming how this place never looked this beautiful. How awful he feels that she did all this work for him. How special she is and hugging and kissing and ear nibbles, etc. Now that he can find the bed and it even has sheets on it he may issue a booty call. This won’t work if she has found a lot of women’s underthings while ‘Neatening Up’.
She will allow him to thank her properly. He is looking around and planning his next guest,,,now that he can identify furniture and has some clean glasses.
This is the way some of the ‘Boys’ manage to keep the Board Of Health from closing and padlocking the door. This play never worked with me because I am at heart, a slob. I have heard from other females who fell into it heart, soul and Lestoil. The upside to this is the opportunity to frolic through piles and find things. Phone bills are very good to find. If you notice that most of the calls are to 900-PHONE_SEX you can assume he’s lonely or just plain horny. Credit Card bills are a great source of information. If he’s got several hundred bucks spent on “Victoria’s Secret”
Look carefully in his underwear drawer. If the lace thongs are his size, Hhhhmmmmm. Pay stubs are crucial! He told you he worked on Wall St.
What he didn’t tell you was he has a pretzel stand on a wheelbarrow and he parks it on Wall St.
Don’t think that I’m saying women are perfect! We aren’t above little character adjustments to get what we want. Women invented the bendable truth.
Going way back to a little town named Eden, population 1 the guy named Adam was bored. He kept kvetching about being bored. Mind you, he never said he was lonely. He didn’t know what lonely was. The Creator got tired of Adam whining and said; “Lay down and take a nap. I will give you something to complain about.” And he DID!
Here comes EVE. The original Hooter’s girl. She didn’t have to worry about laundry, because there wasn’t any. Making dinner was no big deal. She and Adam just picked mangoes and peaches and apricots fresh off the tree. Adam was much happier now that he had Eve to talk to.
Remember they hadn’t invented sex yet, or headaches.
One day Adam decided to take a walk over the hill just to see what was there. Eve said; “I think I’ll just hang around over here. There’s a lot I haven’t seen yet. And I think I saw this great flower that would look fantastic in my hair,” He promised to bring back something for supper. The original “Take out” if you will. Off he went.
The Creator had told them they could go where they wanted and eat anything. ALMOST anything! There was this one tree with round, red things on it called apples. They were O.K. with that because they had all the other stuff to eat.
Suddenly Eve heard; “Hey! You,,,Sweetcheeks. Psssstttt. Psssssttttt. Come here I got something to show ya.” She looked around and that’s when she saw the snake in the apple tree. She wasn’t afraid of snakes but this one looked a bit creepy.
“Hi Mr. Snake. My name’s Eve not Sweetcheeks. Whaddya got?” The snake smiled and replied; “You can call me Lucifer. I want you to take a bite of this thing here. It’s really delicious! And it makes you smart!” Eve looked at the apple Lucifer was holding and remembered what the Creator had said; “Don’t eat the apple! That is forbidden and you shouldn’t even think of it. You got it? No apples!”
She told Lucifer what the rules were that the Creator had talked about and said; “I don’t think that’s a good idea. Anyway, I’m not hungry right now and Adam is bringing something home for dinner. No thanks.”
Lucifer looked at her and said, “You’re a blonde. Did you know that it is said that blondes aren’t real smart? Don’t you want to be smart? Why should Adam be smarter than you are? The Creator is a dude, right? Maybe he wants you to be a little dumb so that the dudes are always the smart ones. If you eat this apple now you will always be the smartest one.”
Lucifer Snake kept up his line of blarney. Eve didn’t want to be rude so she sat and listened. After a while she started to listen a little harder and the part about her being smarter than the dudes really did appeal to her.
Lucifer saw she was starting to pay attention and ripped into high gear.
He appealed to her intellect and it seemed to be lighting a spark.
She finally agreed to take a bite but she wanted Adam to take one too.
She figured that if she was the only one who did it the Creator would throw her out on her shapely behind and make Eden “Dudes Only”
Adam came back with a bunch of melons and grapes. She started out with;
“Why do you think the Creator won’t let us eat apples? I think that he’s afraid that we’ll get smarter than he wants us to be. Don’t you want to be smarter?” It didn’t take very long before Adam agreed to meet Mr. Lucifer Snake and try a bite of apple. Any man who’s had a woman bitching and whining at him will usually give in. (As we ladies know from birth)
We know what happened next don’t we?
They invented Guilt, Sex, Morality, Headaches and Children.
Women have been taking the hit for this “Original Sin” right along.
Eve talked Adam into it with a little help from Lucifer Snake. She didn’t tie him up or smack him or even threaten him. Here we are, all this time later and we are still getting the blame.
One thing to keep in mind though,,,,Women have baby sons and usually they are the ones who raise them. Feed them, clothe them, teach them how to act around people and all that. Dad usually doesn’t step in until they are well on the way to maturity, or at least housebroken.
So where do these “Macho Men” come from? They exhibit behavior we didn’t teach them. Girl children don’t require as much teaching as all females are born with enough ‘smarts’ to manage quite nicely.
The war between men and women is still being fought. It’s still a draw.
Girls? Cut down the apple tree! I think some of these guys are chewing way too many.
As far as equality goes, my pedestal only has room for ME!
By Swampetta (SWAMPETTA@aol.com)
Frames (several writers)
Thoughts on a Snowy February Day
Two Rockers of Old
An Original 'Toon by Swampetta
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